All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday