Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...