Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?