I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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