it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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