dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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