can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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