She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
