So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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