If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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