just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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