Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Someone shit on the floor
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
