tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
