Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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