Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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