the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
