I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
