The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
So much Jack, so little girl.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
