You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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