I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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