Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
