I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
They took my balls.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
