while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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