What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You can't just leave with hair like that
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
