How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
