Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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