I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
