Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
