I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
