My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
