How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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