He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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