I faked an abortion last night.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
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