I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
