Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
