My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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