I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
even my farts smell like vagina
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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