Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
