Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
