i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
