I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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