Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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