The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
