FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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