is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
