Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
