I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
