I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
