She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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