I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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