Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
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I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
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Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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