I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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