I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
