haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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