Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"