I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
The police scanner is talking about you again....
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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