Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
