Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
