My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Congratulations! We have a period
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