My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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